Why I Steer Clear of Therapists — My Struggle with Suicide: Pt. 2
The Pitfalls of Institutional Care
First of all, I want to say how incredibly grateful I am for the people who have reached out to me, and to those who are following my story. It reminds me that this is more than just a story of my life — but a narrative common to the human experience.
A question that inevitably pops up is “Are you seeking help?”, or “Have you seen a therapist?”. The answer is no — and here’s why I steer clear of therapists.
1) I’m Acutely Self-Aware
As provocative as the title sounds, I don’t actually reject expert knowledge. To the contrary, I have built up a modest foundation of knowledge about issues in the cognitive, developmental, and behavioral sciences. I also periodically stay abreast of new developments in these fields. No, I do not nor have I ever majored in any of these subjects in school — I do these things to satisfy an insatiable inner desire to know more. In fact, my inexplicable appetite for understanding the world has allowed me to build a modest penny jar around ghostwriting research papers.
This makes me acutely self-aware of what’s happening to me when I’m depressed — like the (obviously) Russian doctor who’s sufficiently clear headed to operate on himself.
This is a problem for two reasons.
- Firstly, I usually spend hours repeating the details of my own case notes to every single one of the therapists I’ve ever seen. I find it incredibly laborious and unproductive.
- Secondly, I am also acutely aware of their psychological evaluation procedures, and therapy modalities. From the moment I step into triage at the registration counter, to the initial evaluation, and therapy — this acute awareness of what’s going on makes the entire session feel an incredibly frustrating box-ticking exercise.
I don’t self-medicate if I believe someone can bring something new to the table. For example, I consult a pharmacist before self-medicating because I believe she is far more knowledgeable about pharmacodynamics, and contraindications which I may miss. Unfortunately, every therapist and psychiatrist I’ve seen brings absolutely nothing new to the table that I haven’t already reviewed in the literature.
Therapists are so used to interacting with people to whom their insights are almost always something new, so they are truly stumped when I’m there. There’s this incredibly awkward dynamic whenever I sit in the room with a therapist — like a hollow pantomime of procedure upon procedure.
Needless to say, this experience guarantees I never come back after more than two sessions.
2) Therapists Are Trapped By Their Bureaucracy
Therapists aren’t your friend. They are professionals in the same way a car mechanic is. They are hired by institutions to dispense services, and they have bureaucratic obligations, not unlike any large corporation.
The problem with bureaucracy is this: one goal of any bureaucracy is to indemnify itself against negative outcomes. The last thing an organization wants is to be held legally liable, or suffer the public relations fallout from negative customer experiences.
That also means that I can never be truly honest with the therapists I’ve seen. I recall an incredibly frustrating experience where I urgently needed someone to talk to and walked into a nearby clinic. After I’d detailed my feelings to her, she slipped outside — and called security to detain me. Yes, you read that right. I was subject to seven hours of referral to a large hospital for compulsory psychological screening, threatening to detain me for the night in an institution. Upon what cause, you ask? She and her senior counsellor frankly discussed that they didn’t want to be liable for whatever might happen.
While waiting for security to arrive, I told that therapist straight to her face: “You know if you go through with this, you’ll never hear me asking for help again, right?”. She nodded meekly, content to know that her reputation mattered more than patient outcomes.
Despite demonstrating that I had a strong internal locus of control, their highest priority was not to make me feel safe or understood, but to wash their hands of potential blame. For all that frustration and hours of wasted time, the senior psychiatrist at the hospital I had been referred to dismissed the case as an overreaction within 15 minutes of assessing me.
Final Thoughts
However, I want to put out a cautionary note. Being able to exercise this meta-cognition (thinking about my own state of mind), and the fact that I have a good grasp of the scientific research about my own condition is what gives me to confidence to avoid my therapists. This does not mean that I do not reach out, or talk to people about my problems.
If you feel like things are spinning out of control, it is vital to seek out people who won’t make things worse by telling you to “snap out of it”, or “man up”. Therapists tend to be safe bet because at least they share a common baseline understanding of how your brain is wired.
My aversion to professional help is not a rejection of expert knowledge. Why I no longer seek “professional help” is a combination of my disdain for the distorted incentives which institutions create, plus the fact that I’m incredibly self-aware of my own condition. I am lucky to have an unusual amount of control over what would ordinarily be a slippery state of mind.
In the next few articles in this series, I will deep dive into two issues that I struggle with — outrage and depression. If you’ve found this helpful, you can follow me to receive updates.
I want to thank everyone who’s reached out to me, and my readers — if you can hear this, know that you’re not alone.
In my next article, I help people understand what it’s like to be in a suicidal state of mind, and why statements like “Think of all the people who love you”, “Suicide is a selfish act” seem to fall on deaf ears. Read it here.
